Canine Soliloquy
I wish my owner training me would show some common sense,
It’s odd to find an, otherwise, quite lucid man so dense,
Although he knows my hearing is acute beyond a doubt,
each time he gives me a command, he feels obliged to shout .
He’s well aware, I tell him long before he ever knows,
that my mistress is returning from the market where she goes,
He even brags to all his friends about me when they meet.
“This dog can hear a feather fall from fifteen hundred feet.”
But once he has me on the lead, he soon forgets his boast,
he screams out “heel!” and strangers think I’m deafer than a post.
Another thing, why do these “trainers” all seem to agree,
A special language must be used to train the likes of me?
Exaggerate and emphasise, for instance don’t say “Sit !”
Screech “ssittarr” with a double ess (and don’t forget to spit!)
A sitar means an instrument from India to me
and what that’s got to do with sitting down, I fail to see.
Why not say, ”Sit”? The meaning’s clear and I’ll drop my posterior.
If he can hear it, so can I, my hearing’s far superior.
Another strange anomaly is meaningless and gross.
He yells out “Heel” and checks me hard, then all at once screams “Close.”
Although I understand his drift, I still think it’s a shame,
that he feels he should use two words which mean the very same,
Why can’t he learn consistency ? He doesn’t have a clue,
why waste his time with several words, when one alone will do?
He sticks a dumbbell in my mouth then roars, “Hold” in my ear,
then “Take!” yelled “in fortissimo”, to make his meaning clear
But when he throws this thing away, this aggravating wretch,
does he tell me to “Hold” or “Take” it then ? No, he bawls “Fetch !”
Then cannot understand why I don’t streak off down the floor.
The simple reason is I’ve never heard that word before.
So then he starts to teach me “Fetch” I try with all my heart,
but still I can’t see why he didn’t use “Fetch” from the start.
The words for “Down” (“Flat” “Platz” or “Lie”) I’ve learned them all - child’s play,
But, once again, he has to slip another word in, “Stay”
The first time that I heard this word, the meaning wasn’t clear,
so I lay quiet - acting dumb, as if I couldn’t hear.
It turned out I was right this time, which only goes to prove,
that this word isn’t meant to mean a thing, except “don’t move”.
Now if you just say “Down” and I obey the word you say.
I can’t be moving anywhere, so what’s the point of “Stay”?
I’ve since discovered what it does mean - (ludicrous but true)
it’s what a “trainer” tells himself he wants his dog to do.
The three positions in which it is possible to stay,
are “Down”, and “Sit”, (the common ones) and “Stand,” (the show ring way) .
As each one has its own command, specific to position,
it proves that “Stay’s” a “trainer’s” word- used for self-erudition.
Used simply to remind themselves without a lot of fuss,
exactly what they are attempting to achieve with us.
Because they are the way they are, Simplicity they hate,
They’ve introduced another word, which means the same thing “Wait”.
It means “do nothing” just the same, it’s meant to be ignored,
and trainers use it on themselves to stop them feeling bored.
When taking me on exercise my owner walks quite straight,
but when he does “obedience” he gets in such a state,
Left foot turned in (to miss my feet) left elbow tucked in tight,
forearm pressed in, wrist cocked hand flat, and He looks a sorry sight.
I used to feel embarrassed when I took part in this game,
then noticed with amusement that they all walk just the same,
They shout commands they wave their arms and learn a language new,
that’s all to do with “training dogs” plain English just won’t do.
If dogs can tell by sound alone, whose feet approach from town,
almost three hundred yards away, Can’t they tell “Sit” from “Down”?
There is no need to emphasise, distort the word, or shout,
just speak and then manipulate and we shall work it out.
Consistency and repetition’s all we need from you.
Then you will realise how well your “stupid” dog can do.
There is no need for sterner tones to make your dog obey,
a word is just a signal to us canines anyway.
If we can hear it and it’s clear, we don’t have any choice,
we do it or we’re made to, there’s no need to raise your voice.
Eventually we’ll learn the word and what we’re meant to do.
and if you’ve never raised your voice, there’ll be no reason to.
If on the other hand you always shout so we’ll obey,
then you will always need to shout, you’ve trained us in that way.
Nor do you need to wave a toy to make us walk at heel,
just check us gently when we stray then praise us - that’s the deal.
We’ll soon walk naturally at heel, if you’ll stay natural too.
there is no need to wave that toy the whole time like you do.
Another thing we cannot comprehend is why you squeak,
high pitched, as though we’ll never understand you when you speak.
Dogs do not learn from tones of voice, ’though some folk think this true.
We work on words that you repeat, whilst showing us what to do.
The words themselves don’t matter much as long as you’re persistent.
the tone is immaterial but, - DO try to be consistent.
Don’t deafen us or baffle us with different commands,
just give them to us quietly so each dog understands
Perhaps you’ve never given any thought to what you do.
Well, think about it now, but from a canine point of view.