How to train a handler, by a dog
If your owner doesn’t already take you to obedience training to get your “Dog Appeal” working, or one of those things that makes your owner think that you might be better if you were more obedient, or if you haven’t been to an Obedience Class….. You haven’t lived! You meet girls, or if you are one, you meet boys!
Your owner comes to learn to be a handler (ie the stooge tht you have on the end of the lead – or just standing around with you!). The first thing your handler learns, is that if you run away, it doesn’t matter what you do, so long as you come back! Eventually! And sit down by him! You mustn’t be punished because if you are, you won’t come back! See? Remember this, and YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH MURDER! Always go back to your handler when you are ready and sit by his side, look up innocently – AND WATCH HIS BLOOD PRESSURE RISE! With your own variations you can play forever and score your own way!
Exercise 1: Heel on Lead
A bit of a bind. Hang your head and walk as slowly as you can, then without warning, spring forward with all your might. If your hander falls on his face you score 25 points.
Exercise 2: Heel Free
Anything goes, AND SO DO YOU. Usually at least one other dog will go with you, and you will be able to run faster, so you will never be caught, but you can be caught if you please. If you are out of doors, break off to attend the wants of nature. This gives you an unbreakable alibi and shows up your handler as a cad who forgot to look after you before training started. In your own good time, return to your handler, sit at his side with maddening precision and smile at him!
You score 5 points for each minute you are free.
Exercise 3: Recall
Handler walks off. Let him go….. but when he turns and shouts at you, assume stone deafness, or, show him how perfectly you can stay. Look anywhere you like, BUT NOT at him! Later, if you see anything worth investigatin, go and investigate! In your own time, go to the handler PREFERABLY CRINGING with your ears laid back. This will convince other handlers that your owner is a secret dog basher and he will lose face. On no account sit in front of your handler, as he will make you move around him. Assume the “heel” position right away and look with indifference. If handler loses voice, you score 25 points.
Exercise 4: Retrieve a Dumb-bell
Watch handler throw a wooden dumb-bell with respectful interest. On no account fetch it back. He’ll throw it away again. If the silly so and so wants his bit of wood, let him fetch it back, he threw it away! You will be training him not to throw things away that he really wants!
Variations: Run out to the dumb-bell with enthusiasm. Sniff it, smile at handler, and return without it…… he can’t hit you. Repeat as often as he wishes, and you score 5 points every time your handler retrieves the dumb-bell.
Exercise 5: Sit
On no account really “sit”. The squat is quite good enough. You can stay one inch from the ground at the rear end, from this position you can spring away at your fastest speed with no hesitation (see hints on Heel Free!) If you can stay out of your handlers sight for 5 minutes, score 30 points.
Conclusion
Without warning, do any exercise you choose PERFECTLY! This will have your handler thinking that the earlier mistakes were his fault, and the sucker will take you training week after week! Think of all the girls or the boys – WOW!!!
Happy Scoring!!!